is it me you are looking for?
by canyousmellchips
Summary: And then there is a distinct sound. A name. "Carm!" Her name. A worried calling coming out of Laura's mouth like she is searching for her. Just as it always is. Was.


**C** armilla moves closer to the wall behind her. She is trying to make herself smaller, trying to disappear between the walls of the library.

It's been a few hours now since she has managed to calm Laura down enough so that she could sleep. The girl is on her left, lying on a pile of old blankets that they found somewhere in the library. The place is being helpful to them; providing food, blood, clothes and even electricity.

On the other side of the small room she can hear LaFontaine talking to themselves again. They seem to be having a long conversation with the walls. If this was not Silas she would have been worried about it, but the university is full of supernatural nonsense that not even Carmilla can comprehend sometimes.

After a few minutes she stops paying attention to them.

They are just muttering about how to find a way out of there or how to make a communication system with the others outside. Not that it would make any difference, with the state of the mess they left behind at the campus. But she knows LaFontaine won't rest until they are sure that they can still save Perry and JP.

And she understands.

Because if it was her in LaF's place she would be even more desperate.

But she is fine.

For now.

As long as she can hear Laura's weak breathing and feel her heartbeat, she knows she is fine. That is all that matters in her world.

Closing her eyes, Carmilla rests her head against the wall. Trying to get some sleep or any kind of rest for a few minutes. Even though her body never really stops paying attention to any kind of movement or sound around her. She needs to be ready for anything. Ready to protect Laura and LaFontaine if something gets close to them.

Suddenly a small gasp comes from the pile of blankets by her side and Carmilla opens her eyes, cautiously.

And then there is a distinct sound. A name.

"Carm!"

Her name. A worried calling coming out of Laura's mouth like she is searching for her.

Just as it always is.

Was.

* * *

" **C** arm, can you please turn down the television?"

The first time she hears Laura calling her by the nickname is when Will invades their room. After nine days of starvation she was finally free.

Or at least she thought she was.

Carmilla feels her heartbeat increase as soon as the sound leaves Laura's mouth. Her voice sounds sleepy and weak in the most adorable way that is new and welcomed by Carmilla.

She tries her best to maintain control, to hide the way it affects her. She can't let Will know about it. About her confusing and wrong feelings that are growing everyday about the annoying tiny human that crashed into her life.

But somehow she still lets it escape.

As soon as she punches Will she knows she will have to run.

Because Maman will know. She will know when Will tells her how Carmilla defended Laura.

It's all happening again.

Just like last time.

Carmilla was stupid enough to think that she could hide something like that from her mother. Lilita knows her too well; she knows all the dirty little secrets that exist in Carmilla's soul.

And the desperation comes to her. Eating her insides, making her rage and feeling so fragile and stupid because she can't stop herself. She can't stop how weak she is because of a girl.

But this is not just any girl.

It's Laura.

Her Laura.

Stubborn little Laura Hollis. The same girl who said that she deserved better without even knowing her. The same girl who listened to her tragic story and looked at her almost as if Carmilla was human.

And for a second Carmilla believed.

She believed that she could be loved. That she could have Laura. Even after three centuries of experience she kept making the same mistakes.

When Laura starts talking Carmilla accepts the new plan. Incapable of leaving her, Carmilla stays. But not because it's safer for Carmilla, but because it's safer for Laura. There is no way that Maman would let the human get away from all of this mess alive.

That should have been her first warning. She should have being more careful with her own heart. But she wasn't. There is something inside of Carmilla that keeps looking for acceptance, for something more. Incorrigible romantic notions that follow her even after death.

She stays.

And never manages to leave Laura again.

* * *

" **C** arm, come here."

Carmilla turns away from the window and stares at the girl on the bed. Something warm spreads in Carmilla's stomach by just looking at her.

At Laura. Her Laura.

With only a thin white blanket that barely covers her small body. Her hair is still a beautiful mess from their earlier activities. And even from this distance Carmilla can see the marks on her shoulders and neck, slowly descending between her covered breasts.

She smiles proudly and takes a few more seconds to move from the window. She likes it when Laura wakes up in the middle of the night like that. Confused and still lost in the world of her dreams. There is just something incredibly sweet about how her eyes blink as they try to adjust to the dark.

Looking for something. Looking for her.

Soon enough Carmilla is closing the distance between them and lying by her side again.

She just can't stay away from Laura these days.

From her warmth, her smell, her voice.

It's intoxicating in the most dangerous ways.

How she responds to Carmilla's kisses even when she is still half asleep. Their lips falling in sync after a few seconds of messy attempts, as they always do.

With their bodies aligned it doesn't take much time before the room is full of Laura's gasps and moans again.

And Carmilla feels happier than ever.

Complete. Comfortable. Safe.

In a way she hadn't felt for the last hundred years. Or maybe even longer than that.

* * *

 **A** fter they break up, what once used to make her heart flutter, turns into torture.

Carmilla can hear her from the couch in the living room. Every time Laura wakes up in the middle of the night she stops breathing to pay attention to the girl's movements. She knows that Laura is awake not by the change in her breathing or the sounds of the bed moving but because she hears and feels it in her whole body when the girl calls out for her.

"Carm…"

A whisper lost in the middle of the night.

In between the few moments before Laura actually wakes up, before she remembers the truth, that no one will come to hold her and kiss her.

And there is something inside of Carmilla that keeps asking her to go upstairs, to get into what used to be their bed. And hold the girl close against her body, to be able to feel her skin hot against Carmilla's.

But she can't.

Not anymore.

In the silence of the night is when Carmilla can let the pain invade her senses. There is no one there to see how much this hurts her. How broken she feels about how far away she is from the person she loves.

* * *

 **S** he hears it again when she is under the trapdoor with Mattie and JP.

It's not a confused whisper but a real admission this time. But it's still one that she can't answer to.

"I do miss you, Carm."

The strangled sound comes from between the cracks in the wooden floor and Carmilla can't stop the tears that are running down her face. Probably matching the ones that she knows are also falling from Laura's eyes.

She hates that a part of her feels glad about it. That not only she knows Laura misses her but that she could hear her actually saying it.

Carmilla wants to get up there and tell Laura that she misses her too. That she wants her back. That she wants them back.

But once again she just hugs herself harder and stays quiet, motionless. Like a statue. Hearing the loud heartbeats of a small girl just above her head.

It almost makes her feel calmer to have her presence so close again.

Almost. What an awful word.

* * *

 **L** aura wakes up and gets stuck on her blankets in her hurry to sit up.

Once Carmilla starts hearing the small sobs coming from Laura, she runs to her side.

"Hey, cupcake… it's okay, I'm here."

She throws her arms around Laura. And her heart breaks all over again as she feels Laura holding her tightly, her fingers pressing so hard against Carmilla's shirt that her knuckles are going white.

Their bodies rock back and forth together for a few more seconds. And she waits for Laura to stop crying. Her whole body is shaking violently; the vibrations reverberating through Carmilla's body.

"I thought you were dead… I thought I couldn't…" Laura's voice is muffled by Carmilla's shoulder, from where she cries harder.

Carmilla doesn't need her to say the rest.

She knows.

It's been happening a few times in the last two nights.

Laura wakes up in the middle of the night after a nightmare with a terrifying gasp. Thinking that she had let Carmilla die. And she compartmentalizes all the guilt inside herself, as she always does. After the nightmares is the only time she opens up about it.

In these moments, Carmilla only holds her. Trying her best to console Laura, pulling her to come back to reality.

Even if it's not the best place to be at the moment.

But at least they are here. They are alive.

They are together.

"I'm here, Laura," she affirms again.

Sometimes she says it for Laura. Sometimes for herself.

When Laura's breathing starts to slow down, Carmilla sets the girl on the pile of blankets again.

But when she is ready to go back to her corner of the wall she stops and notices a hand that is still tangled in her shirt. When she looks back she can see Laura's wide brown eyes staring back at her.

Pleading. With a miserable look that Carmilla wishes she never had to see on Laura's face.

Laura doesn't need to say what she wants.

And Carmilla can't really deny her anything. She can admit that now.

She lies down close to Laura and they stay like this.

Side by side.

Connected only by Laura's hands that insist on staying in Carmilla's shirt. Grounding her here. Making sure that Carmilla is not going anywhere.

Like she ever could.

She can still feel a tension coming from Laura and she scoots closer. Her left arm slowly reaching for the girl's waist. And she knows she should be embarrassed by how easily her body melts at the touch, feeling the familiar warmth radiating from Laura.

But in this moment she doesn't care anymore.

There is still a lot that they will need to talk about. Hearts that need to be mended and fights to be solved. But the fact that they still have a chance somehow to make it through together is enough.

For now Carmilla lets it go from her insecurities and fears.

Only for a night.

In the darkness of the library both hearts slow down to the same rhythm.

And two broken girls find peace in their sleep for the first time in months.

* * *

 **A/N:** Title from Lionel Richie's song "Hello" because at 3 am I listen to crappy music to get inspired.


End file.
